Queen Califia Comes Home 

This is one hell of a story, if a bit implausible, and I should know—I'm the one telling it. The name's Califia, Cal for short, though I've gone by many names over my 10,000-year existence as an ancient river goddess. Yes, you read that right. I'm the immortal Amazonian warrior princess who inspired the name California, and I'm currently inhabiting the body of a Great Pyrenees dog, trying to save humanity from its own greed, folly, and irresponsibility.

Here's the setup: The Ruling Council of the Heavens has had it up to their divine eyeballs with you humans treating the planet like a cosmic toilet. They've given me a mission—prove that humanity can learn to value the natural world, or they're wiping the slate clean and starting over. Think Noah's flood, but with more finality and a serious lack of arks.

My story spans from 1498, when I first encountered that degenerate mariner Christopher Columbus in South America, through my travels with Spanish conquistadors, to my eventual settling in California. But the heart of this tale begins in 1970s New York, where I adopt a misfit Jewish kid from New Jersey named Zachary Trotsky "Coop" Cooper. This neurotic, environmentally awakening college student becomes my unlikely partner in a cosmic mission to demonstrate that humans might—just might—be worth saving.

The narrative weaves together three timelines: my ancient adventures across the Americas (including a hilarious bureaucratic trial in the heavens where I witness Jesus and Lucifer duke it out over blues legend Robert Johnson's soul), my present-day journey with Coop from New Jersey to Georgia to California, and glimpses of a potential future where environmental restoration has created a new Pacific nation.

Through Coop's eyes, we explore the American South during the civil rights era, experience the raw beauty and ecological devastation of the American West, and witness the birth of the modern environmental movement. All the while, I'm providing sarcastic commentary on human folly, sharing ancient wisdom about river ecology, and desperately searching for evidence that humanity might choose preservation over destruction.

This is Huckleberry Finn meets Good Omens with a strong environmental message—a road trip narrative that's part coming-of-age story, part environmental manifesto, and part divine comedy. It's irreverent, heartfelt, and urgently timely, told by a foul-mouthed goddess who's witnessed 500 years of American expansion and isn't impressed with what she's seen.

The stakes? Nothing less than the survival of the human race, with a talking dog as humanity's last, best hope.

—Califia, Ancient River Goddess and Very Good Girl