The Story Behind the Story

Cast of Characters

Principal Characters:

• Califia (Cal): An ancient river goddess, the narrator of the story. She has existed in various animate forms (human, pink river dolphins, manatees, otters, other non-human life forms) for millions of years. She has witnessed human history from the Age of Exploration onward, including the arrival of Christopher Columbus. Her current human manifestation is as a large Great Pyrenees dog, adopted by Zacharias Cooper. She is on a mission from the Ruling Council of the Heavens to provide evidence that humanity is capable of redemption and valuing the planet, hoping to prevent a planetary "wipe the slate clean" event. She is highly opinionated, sometimes sarcastic, and often frustrated with human greed and lack of foresight.

• Zacharias Trotsky Cooper (Coop): The co-narrator of the story, a child of a 1950s Jewish family in New Jersey. He is initially a sheltered suburban kid who grows to question authority and conventional wisdom. He develops a deep connection to the natural world, particularly rivers, and becomes an environmental lawyer and legislative staffer in California. He is a loyal friend to Califia and a devoted father. He is pragmatic, initially skeptical of Califia's claims, but ultimately committed to her mission. His journey takes him from the East Coast to the South and eventually to California, where he plays a significant role in environmental policy.

• Randy Watson: A beautiful, flirtatious, and intelligent "southern belle" from Atlanta, who becomes Coop's girlfriend and later the mother of his children. She challenges Coop's preconceived notions about the South and American history, possessing a deep understanding of racial and social complexities. She is uninhibited and adventurous.

• Senator Alexander Villa (Alex Villa/Pancho): A public servant from East Los Angeles, representing working-class Latino communities. He is intelligent, possesses a great sense of humor, and is committed to improving the lives of his constituents, particularly through advocating for public parks and environmental justice. He becomes Coop's boss in the California Senate and a mentor. He is a former farm worker activist and challenges institutional racism.

• Ralph Branca Brotsky (RBB): Coop's closest friend and a dedicated environmental advocate in the California Capitol. He is tireless in his efforts to protect California's natural resources, particularly wild and scenic rivers. Despite his serious demeanor and occasional lack of humor, he possesses a remarkable lack of cynicism and a strong commitment to environmental preservation. He is from Los Angeles and a fan of the Dodgers.

• Uncle Abe Abrahamson: Zach's great-uncle, a wealthy, kind, and wise Jewish immigrant from Russia who made his fortune manufacturing Christmas ornaments. He provides financial support to Zach's parents and offers life lessons and political insights to young Zach. He is a loyal Democrat and a major benefactor of a summer camp for impoverished immigrant children.

• Uncle Irving Cooper (Friar Irving Cooper): Zach's great-uncle, a family legend who went west penniless in the 1920s and became involved in Hollywood land deals and casino development in Las Vegas, with rumored ties to Jewish mobsters. He later became an agent for the Israeli government and a well-connected figure in Democratic politics. He helps Coop find a job in the California Senate.

• Senator Jack "Pomp" Chupacabra: A newly elected State Senator representing Silicon Valley, and Coop's boss later in his career. He is smart, iconoclastic, and initially averse to water policy disputes, but becomes committed to environmental reform and fighting corporate influence. He is underestimated by his colleagues due to his appearance and academic background.

• Lucky (Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, Jinni, the Antichrist, Beaver Cleaver, KC and his Sunshine Band): A pathetically insecure, minor god described as a "licentious demon homunculus." He is the embodiment of self-serving greed and chaos, constantly working to undermine human progress and accelerate the planet's destruction. He is highly cynical about humanity's capacity for redemption and frequently attempts to influence events for his own nefarious purposes.

• Mustamho: A messenger from the Ruling Council of the Heavens, who appears to Califia in various animal forms (California condor, raven) to relay messages and warn her of humanity's impending doom and the Council's dwindling patience.

• Prime Minister (Zach's Daughter): Mentioned in 2040 as the leader of the United States of the Pacific, suggesting a successful outcome for the new nation and its environmental policies.

Supporting Characters:

• Cristóbal Colón (Christopher Columbus): The Genoan mariner who "stumbled blindly" into the Americas in 1498, initiating a "sadistic orgy of violence and piety" according to Califia.

• Garcia Rodríguez de Montalvo: An "otherwise unknown scribe of limited ability" chosen by Califia (as a parakeet) to write "The Adventures of Esplandian," which includes the myth of Queen Califia, intended to deter Spanish explorers.

• Master Lopez: A tile maker in Seville, persuaded by Califia (as a parakeet) to leave Spain for the New World due to his unhappy marriage.

• Panfilo de Narvaez: An "remarkably inept conquistador" who led an ill-fated expedition to Florida, which Califia accompanied.

• Cabeza de Vaca: One of only four Spaniards to survive Narvaez's expedition, who took a liking to Califia.

• Francisco Vázquez de Coronado: An "accomplished soldier and explorer" whose expedition Califia joined in search of Cibola.

• Ishi: The "last wild Indian" who emerged from the hills in 1911, accompanied by Califia, and lived out his life at UC Berkeley as a "human zoo animal."

• John Hammond: A music executive who discovered Bruce Springsteen.

• Clarence Clemons (The Big Man): Bruce Springsteen's saxophonist. Califia receives orders from Mustamho through him on the Jersey Shore.

• Isaac Cooper: Zach's father, a WWII veteran who leveraged the GI Bill to start a clothing business and later owned a bar in a working-class African American neighborhood. He instilled in Zach a sense of social justice.

• Rachel Cooper: Zach's mother, a "prim, immaculately dressed and coiffed woman," who was a child of immigrants and came from chaos and poverty. She initially struggled with homemaking and was anxious about Zach's rebellious nature.

• Aunt Fea Abrahamson: Uncle Abe's spinster sister, a psychiatrist from New York City whom young Zach found terrifying. She is depicted as "joyless" and "shriveled," a foil to Uncle Abe's jovial nature.

• Otis: A kindly ancient Black gentleman who tended the gravesite of the Allman Brothers in Macon, Georgia, and shared stories of famous musicians with Coop and Randy.

• Kim Fletcher: A "smart-ass Yale transfer from Knoxville" with a "thick Tennessee drawl and a serious attitude problem," who owns the VW Microbus used for the road trip.

• Jah: An elderly Gullah Geechee elder from Tybee Island, Georgia, who tutors Randy and shares the history and culture of his people with Coop and his friends.

• Alfie KImpbell: A "wan, pale, hippy looking sort" from Manhattan, a dilettante, opium-smoking, coke-snorting, Marx-spouting, and effeminate character. He nearly dies on a whitewater rafting trip.

• Becca Blackstone: A "ethereally beautiful child woman" from Rabun County, Georgia, and Alfie's girlfriend. She grew up in the mountains and is familiar with whitewater rafting.

• Dr. Morrow: A "wizened old river warrior" and an experimental physicist from Michigan, initially a kayaker encountered on the Rogue River. He becomes a key expert in water policy and a contributor to the Delta Reform Act.

• Congressman Brigham Smith: A "movement conservative" and member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, representing eastern Sacramento suburbs. He is tall, rigid, "querulous," and known for "inflamatory floor speeches preaching against the perversion of homosexuality." He opposes comprehensive flood control measures that exclude his preferred dam project. He is later involved in a scandal for supporting chattel slavery in Micronesia.

• Senator Robyn Eagleton: A corrupt and sleazy California State Senator, chair of the Water and Power Committee. He is known for using his position for financial gain and engaging in questionable behavior, almost facing statutory rape charges. He is later arrested in the "Clamscam" FBI raid.

• Chad Nixon: A powerful lead lobbyist for the agribusiness industry, associated with Senator Eagleton's corrupt practices.

• Assemblyman Dicky Lyons: A "loquacious, ambitious, and a true Valley Boy" Assemblyman from the San Fernando Valley, who advocates for paving over the Los Angeles River to create a freeway.

• General Rodney: A general in the US Army Corps of Engineers, head of the Vicksburg unit, who testifies in favor of Villa's LA River proposal, acknowledging past Corps failures.

• Assemblyman Will Fryman: A Republican Assemblyman from Bakersfield, described as "smallish, morbid," and a "Prop 13 baby" focused on defending "God-fearing white Christian Americans."

• Governor Barbie Danger (Broomhilda Hister Schmidt): A reality TV star-turned-born-again Christian evangelical minister, elected Governor of California in a recall election. She has a vague family history with possible Nazi ties and is known for softcore cult classics and a leaked sex tape. She is attentive to shifting public sentiment.

• Lieutenant Governor Cristiano Melchior: The "bumbling, diffident" Democratic candidate who loses to Barbie Danger in the recall election. He is described as a "torpid toady of big ag."

• Senator Rusty Boselyer: A powerful and corrupt Democratic State Senator from Ceres, with a "scabrous past" and ties to land barons and farm labor organizers. He is a prolific fundraiser and a staunch opponent of the Delta Reform Act.

• Senator Louise Boselyer: Rusty Boselyer's wife, who takes over his Senate seat and continues to oppose the Delta Reform Act with "rabid staff of environmental purists and heavily subsidized Delta farmers."

• Senator Janet Reed: The President Pro Tem of the California Senate, described as "normal" and "the best human being in the bunch," but also "ineffective" due to her "naive faith in the goodness and honesty of her fellow politicians."

• S. David Freeman: Former general manager of a Sacramento municipal utility, an advocate for energy conservation and renewable energy.

• Amory Lovins: A brilliant experimental physicist and founder of the Rocky Mountain Institute, who advocated for energy efficiency and "negawatts."

• Senator Calvin Wu: A Democratic Senator from Hermes (East Bay), described as "slippery as an eel dipped in butter" and not to be trusted. He is later arrested for funding and supplying weapons to a South American terrorist organization.

• Isaac Muhammed: An ex-Navy Seal and representative for Special Operations Command Pacific Region, who lobbies quietly for the bill opposing GMO's LNG facility due to security concerns.

• Comandante Rosada Capybara: A "revolutionary indigenous leader" involved in Calvin Wu's international crime syndicate.

• Pachamama: A Hindu deity credited for creating the universe, who, in the form of a California Condor, intervenes in the discussion between Califia and Lucky.

• Gaia: Zeus's grandmother, the earth goddess, who appears as a magnificent Grizzly and delivers a proclamation from the Ruling Council of the Heavens regarding Califia's mission and humanity's survival.

• Quetzalcoatl: The feathered serpent god, who Califia visited in the Amazon basin. He is also a notary and serves as a legal witness for Califia's contract with the Ruling Council.

• Otis Redding: A famous blues artist whose gravesite in Macon, Georgia, is visited by Coop and Randy.

• Robert Leroy Johnson (RJ): A legendary blues musician who, according to the narrative, traded his soul at the crossroads for musical talent after a divine intervention by Jesus and the Gods.

• Jesus: Appears as a figure in the heavenly court, advocating for Robert Leroy Johnson to receive musical inspiration to bring joy to humans. He is depicted as a "Yid from the Galilee" rather than the Aryan image.

• Buddha: A deity on the heavenly panel, who along with Pachamama, gives instructions on implementing the verdict regarding Robert Leroy Johnson.

• Skip Shure: A brilliant, profane, exhausted, funny, egotistical, overweight, bedraggled legend of forty years on the legislative staff, environmental advisor to the Senate President.

• Clara and Byron Cooper: Zach's children, who are aware of Califia's true nature and keep it a secret from Child Protective Services.

• Seamus O'Flannery (Professor O): An Irish professor who wrote a controversial book claiming Patrick the Pureheart discovered New Jersey. He later joins Coop and his family on a Grand Canyon trip.

• Uncle Claude: A "grand old man of the river" who tells a story about a gas station attendant in Oregon.

• General Manager of the Station: A somber looking gentleman who reads a public service announcement for J.B. Stoner's political advertisement.

• Booger Bean: A one-eared, filthy, foul-smelling dorm mutt mascot in Coop's freshman dorm.

• Wallace: Coop's friend from the freshman dorm who helps him understand Greek life and later dates Sonya.

• Sonya: A "gorgeous swaggering Texan" coed who brings many trunks and valises to the dorm, invites Coop to her room, and shares a joint. She later dates Wallace.

• Susan, Alyssa, Leslie: Sonya's beautiful and stoned Texan friends.

• Kitty: A surly, unsmiling, middle-aged waitress in Beatty, Nevada, with bleached blonde hair.

• Proprietor: The owner of the motel in Beatty, Nevada, who drastically increases room prices due to "supply and demand."

• Annabelle Botticelli: Senator Chupacabra's chief of staff, a talented and wise veteran of the capitol.

• Rachel: A high-strung but smart and organized staffer in Senator Chupacabra's office, who handles his calendar and carries a few bills.

• Malcolm: A veteran staffer in Senator Chupacabra's office, with an Ivy League background, who provides counterpoints based on experience.

• Ramon: A brilliant staffer in Senator Chupacabra's office, with an MIT pedigree and experience at the International Criminal Court, who staffs complex legislation.

• Leora Hernandez (Lee): A beautiful and charismatic lobbyist with an "undeniable charm," who champions her client's water rights and attempts to persuade Coop with seemingly heartfelt arguments.

• Winky Prince King: Amway President and Secretary of Education in Dumpf's administration.

• Rodney Perez: Governor of Arizona, who announces the repeal of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo with California and Mexico.

• Anastasio Suárez González del Bac: Governor of New Mexico, who announces the repeal of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo with California and Mexico.

• Jeanne Jacque Trudeau: Canadian Prime Minister, who negotiates a new Canadian confederation including northeastern US states.

• Marquis Dumpf: President Dumpf's youngest son, whose godfather is the Russian President. He later pulls the plunger at Mt. Rushmore to replace Lincoln's head with his father's likeness.

• Chipper Dumpf Jr (Irving Goldstein): President Dumpf's son-in-law and Chief of Staff, who legally changed his name.

Califia, also known as Cal, is an ancient river goddess who has intermittently inhabited Earth in human and various animal forms, including pink river dolphins, manatees, otters, and ultimately a Great Pyrenees dog. Her existence spans epochs, predating human written history. She was revered by Indigenous inhabitants of the Americas but viewed as a frightening myth or dark legend by European invaders. Califia's primary mission on Earth, initiated by the Ruling Council of the Heavens, is to provide evidence that humanity is capable of redemption and can reverse the planetary damage caused by its greed and destructive behaviors. If she fails to demonstrate significant progress in human stewardship of the planet, particularly concerning river restoration and environmental preservation, her fellow immortals may decide to "wipe the slate clean" and extinguish life on Earth.

How does the narrative challenge conventional historical perspectives, particularly regarding the discovery of the "New World" and American exceptionalism?

The narrative directly challenges the celebratory view of Christopher Columbus's "discovery" and the concept of American exceptionalism. Califia, as an ancient witness, describes Columbus's voyage as either a "voyage of discovery or a human tragedy, depending on your particular perspective," immediately highlighting the devastating impact of European conquest, slavery, rape, and conversion on the indigenous populations. The text criticizes the "mendacious self-glorification" of figures like Columbus and the "brutal conquest" that defined the democratic enterprise in North America. It portrays the "late great United States of America" not as a "democratic utopia" but as a "goldmine ripe for the plundering," resulting in a "monstrous malodorous travesty against nature." This perspective insists on confronting the "cruelly benevolent self-serving manure" of political, business, and spiritual leaders, urging the reader to accept a "differing reality" where historical narratives often serve to justify conquest and exploitation rather than reflecting truth.

What is the significance of rivers and water in Califia's mission and the overall narrative?

Rivers and water are central to Califia's identity, mission, and the overarching themes of environmental degradation and potential redemption. As a river goddess, she has a deep, inherent connection to riparian habitats, viewing them as vital, life-enhancing spirits. Her mission explicitly ties humanity's fate to the restoration of these natural systems. The text emphasizes the importance of rivers as "the saws of the earth," creating landscapes, and supporting diverse ecosystems. Conversely, the sources highlight the catastrophic consequences of human interventions like dams, channeling, pollution, and over-extraction, which turn once vibrant rivers into "dead reservoirs" or "concrete lined garbage strewn culverts." The narrative frequently uses the health of rivers, particularly the Sacramento-San Joaquin Delta and the Los Angeles River, as a barometer for humanity's capacity for sustainable coexistence with nature. Califia believes that "river restoration is the key" to convincing the Ruling Council of humanity's worth.

What is the role of human nature, particularly greed and ignorance, in the planetary crisis described?

The sources consistently portray human greed and ignorance as the primary drivers of environmental degradation and societal problems. Califia laments humanity's "propensity for violence and inhumanity," its "obsessive devotion to nature destroying public works and private overconsumption," and its "rapacity" as "predators at the top of the food chain." The narrative repeatedly illustrates how the pursuit of "gold and silver," profit, and "self-glorification" led to the destruction of natural resources, indigenous cultures, and ethical principles. Political and business leaders are often depicted as "mendacious," "incompetent," "greedy fuckers," and "perfidy-driven," prioritizing short-term economic gain over long-term planetary health. The "unquestioned acceptance of observational truth taught under the rubric of the modern scientific method" and "outmoded beliefs" also contribute to humanity's "ignorance and superstition," preventing a true understanding of the environmental crisis.

How do different characters, particularly Coop and various politicians, embody the struggle between progress, environmentalism, and political realities?

Zacharias Trotsky Cooper (Coop) serves as a central human character through whom Califia attempts to influence change. Initially a "rootless young man" from a "sheltered" suburban background, Coop undergoes a significant education in environmental philosophy and political realities. He grapples with the complexities of "making a difference" in a system prone to "snail's pace" change and entrenched interests.

Various politicians represent different facets of this struggle:

• Senator Alexander Villa: An honest public servant who "cared deeply about the people he represented" and fought for environmental justice, like the LA River restoration. He embodies the potential for integrity and genuine progress within the political system.

• Senator Brigham Smith: A "movement conservative" and "strict moralist" who epitomizes narrow-mindedness, intolerance, and a willingness to use political power for personal gain (e.g., opposing flood control unless it included his preferred dam, supporting "chattel slavery in Micronesia"). He represents the forces resisting environmental protection and social equity.

• Senator Robyn Eagleton: A "sleazy corrupt predator" who expertly manipulates the legislative process for "pure chutzpah" and financial gain from corporate interests. He exemplifies the deep-seated corruption and "rent seeking" that hinder progress.

• Assemblyman Dicky Lyons: A "Valley Boy" politician focused on narrow constituent interests (e.g., paving over the LA River for another freeway), representing the resistance to environmental and social change driven by short-sighted convenience and outdated ideas.

• Senator Jack "Pomp" Chupacabra: An intelligent but initially "supercilious" and somewhat cynical politician who, under Califia and Coop's influence, becomes a champion for significant water reform. He represents the possibility of a "different kind of politician" who can "masterfully" navigate complex legislative processes for the greater good, despite inherent systemic obstacles.

The struggle is often framed as a battle between those who see nature's value for profit versus those who advocate for its intrinsic worth, with political compromise and ethical considerations constantly at play.

What critique does the narrative offer regarding the "American Dream" and its environmental consequences?

The narrative heavily critiques the traditional "American Dream," exposing its foundation in unsustainable practices and denial of environmental realities. The idyllic post-war suburbs, like Coop's "seemingly friendly little burg" Providence Hill, are revealed to hide "dark cancerous secrets" like polluted rivers. The pursuit of "split-level dreams on quarter-acre lots" is linked to environmental degradation and a disconnect from the natural world.

The "American Dream" is frequently associated with:

• Unfettered expansion and resource exploitation: The "goldmine ripe for the plundering" mentality that fueled the Gold Rush, the "grab, gut, and git out" frontier style, and the "remorseless quest to deny its desert heart" in California.

• Blind faith in progress and technology: The belief that "humans, at least white Christian ones, should exercise as much dominion over the earth as possible," leading to "nature destroying public works" and thinking that biological and physical limits are "problems to be solved, not red lines to be avoided."

• Hypocrisy and selective socialism: Farmers in the San Joaquin Valley benefiting from "cheap, subsidized government water" and federal projects while condemning socialism for the poor, highlighting the inconsistent application of American-style capitalism.

• Disregard for long-term consequences: The slow, imperceptible unfolding of environmental disasters like irrigation agriculture's impacts, which are "easily ignored, though death in the long run is equally likely."

The narrative suggests that this dream, built on "shifting fault zone layered with quicksand," has squandered "the good will of the world through a botched series of decisions highlighted by hubristic capitalist overreach" and led to a "Potemkin Village of a successful society."

How does the concept of "deep ecology" and "reconciliation ecology" offer a potential path forward for humanity?

The narrative introduces "deep ecology" and "reconciliation ecology" as guiding philosophies for understanding and addressing the environmental crisis, providing a counter-narrative to the prevailing destructive practices.

• Deep Ecology: Represents a shift from a utilitarian view of nature (conservation) to one that values nature for its own sake (preservation). It emphasizes the intrinsic worth of all life forms and ecosystems, not just their usefulness to humans. This philosophy gained traction through figures like John Muir and Aldo Leopold and influenced Coop's growing environmental consciousness.

• Reconciliation Ecology: This evolving philosophy recognizes that humans are "major players in the world’s ecosystems" and that "the conservation of biodiversity must occur within human dominated systems." It focuses on "restoring environmental costs to economic calculations," essentially "internalizing economic externalities." This approach advocates for a "green politics" that emphasizes "positive alternatives in all areas of life and every sector of the economy," moving from problems of management to problems of design. It calls for redesigning labor, energy, and materials to be environmentally sustainable, based on community and intelligent design rather than just profit.

These concepts offer hope that humanity can transition from a path of "waste and disaster" to one where economic progress and ecological health are measured "in tandem, not as separate competing ideologies."

What are the main obstacles to achieving widespread environmental and social reform, as depicted in the narrative?

The narrative identifies numerous obstacles to widespread environmental and social reform, often interconnected:

• Entrenched Economic Interests: Powerful "land syndicates," "agribusiness corporations," "investor owned utilities," and "real estate interests" actively lobby against environmental protections and perpetuate exploitative practices. Their financial influence ("mother's milk of politics") often dictates legislative outcomes, as seen with figures like Senator Eagleton.

• Political Inertia and Corruption: The "snail's pace" of government, exacerbated by "checks and balances" designed to prevent radical change, makes it difficult to address long-term environmental threats. Corruption, exemplified by "campaign contributions" and the "shameless screwing of citizens," often ensures that politicians prioritize private profit over public good.

• Human Ignorance and Denial: A pervasive "lack of appreciation for the gravity of the situation" and a tendency to "cling to racist depictions of their fellow humans" and "outmoded beliefs" prevents collective action. The public is often "fickle" or easily manipulated by "misinformation" and "alternative facts" spread by figures like Lucky and his "demagogic" acolytes.

• Regional and Cultural Divides: Deep-seated differences between Northern and Southern California, or between "Yankees" and "Southerners," create "cultural divides" that hinder statewide cooperation on issues like water policy. Historical grievances and racial biases contribute to this fragmentation, as illustrated by the "Lost Cause" fantasy and ongoing racism.

• Bureaucratic Inefficiency and Incompetence: Government agencies can be "chronically underfunded," prone to "internecine squabbling," and resistant to innovation, leading to "paralysis" and a focus on "ruffling no feathers" rather than solving critical problems.

• Short-sighted Political Cycles: Politicians' focus on "the next election cycle" makes them resistant to "costly decisions asking today’s voters to pay for fixes to problems that might be years into the future.